The road to now

When I feel pregnant I was 19. In a bad relationship that wasn’t healthy for me or the twins.Scared and unsure of what the future held for me and the twins.

When I gave birth I was 20. I never knew what love was like until I saw those two sets of beautiful eyes looking at me. I was single when I gave birth. I gotten out of that bad relationship which only turned worse once the twins were born. Not only did I know have to protect myself I had to protect they two little angles who couldn’t protect themselves.  I was lucky that I was able to move back in with my mum and she was a great help to me,was there if I needed it during the night and one weekends when she wasn’t working, she still let me have a social life seeing as I was still in my early 20’s. And at the point as much as I loved being a mum, I always wanted to go out and have fun ,have a few drinks dance and be social. I was on my phone all the time on social media and texting friends. This continued for a while.

I meet my first boyfriend of the twins when I was 22, he was younger then me. Only 20 and that relationship only last 8 months, he was great with the twins but the ages is what was the problem. We are still great friends now tho. took us a while to get there but now we are best friends and id be lost without him as my friend. He is still involved in the twins life too.

Then after we broke up a month later I meet my second boyfriend he was a year older then me, this only latest 7 or 8 months due to the fact he became lazy and cheated on me on a trip to the uk. He continued to lie about it but its hard to lie when social media shows the truth. I was trying to see if we could work it out but it ended and thankgod! because I became so much more happier.

I then spent the first 6 months of 2015 single and developing my love for meditation and becoming a Spirit Junkie. This then lead  me to deal with some harsh truths.

I love my kids to death and I’d be lost without them, but being young and always feeling like your missing out what others your age are doing was hard, I would watch tv or be surfing the web when I should of being putting more time in with them, cleaning the house and doing the chores I needed to. We always played and had a lot of fun but I was never fully present in spending the time with them always thinking about what could of been or what is happening on Facebook and when was bed time. There was also the stress I was under having to deal with their father. He is an animal and the amount of damage he did to me and how he hurt my two babies I needed to work through it to become a better mother. I hate the fact he was a part of my children and how could I ever allow my wonderful twins to have a father like that!! How he also n hurt my babies.  Court and dealing with someone who is so hurtful and rude  is very stressful and never fun so it always weighed  heavily on me the fact I wasn’t able to protect them like I wanted to was a huge stressor and cause anxiety for me! Thankful tho we still had plenty of good and fun time even through the difficult. The twins where my light when it was dark. They are my heart and soul.

February 2015 something clicked inside me. I worked with a life coach who helped me understand that everything the twins father was doing would benefit them later in life. And it really has! I become more involved with being present when playing with them ( I don’t worry about the house work or the stress of court and their so called father ) I decided not to feel sorry for myself but show up for every challenge life throws my way.

In April I become controller of my local SES unit.

In June I decided to go back to uni and study bachelors  degree in emergency management and also did a gratitude course.

And in July I meet the man id been waiting for.

When I meet Kev, Id had come to realise I didn’t need a relationship to be happy, I could live with just me and the twins if need be and I wasn’t looking for a partner. These are the times that things happen, when your not looking or wanting them too. Then I meet him and wow did it just click. I was different so the relationship was different. More grown up I would say.

And now with more self development, learning more about self care and being a spirit junkie, awesome kids who are just my everything and a wonderful guy who just lights me up and pushes me to be my best self I am now the mother I always knew i could be.

I still have days where I just fill overwhelmed but they are few and far between. I am now able to put my phone down and be present for my kids.

I also am getting the twins into Meditation and yoga. They are older so when can talk about emotions a lot easier. Ill tell them if I’m feeling a bit unbalanced as I call it and James \will tell me when he needs his own time. Izzy just goes with the flow.

I now don’t like to go out and party, I haven’t  had an alcoholic drink in 9 months because I don’t want to. I don’t look at social media all the time. I focus on my study and blog more then anything. As well as SES. Meditation gives me my strength. And I try and be the best I can be

Being a mother is dame hard work. Add being young, deal thing with issues I never thought id have to with the twins father and finding love is just hard fucken work.

The amount of sleepless night I have had and the amount of tears I’ve cried is amazing but it all for one thing. MY TWINS.

Without them I wouldn’t be where I am now. I wouldn’t love like I do, I wouldn’t laugh, cry, smile and play like a child, have dance parties and movie night. I wouldn’t feel sad, overwhelmed and find straight I never knew i had.

I am a mother first and foremost. I always will be.

Motherhood is hard but I’ve loved every minute and I can now say I even loved the very low parts of it.

This is where I am meant to be. Its been a hard road but the best one to take. I have two incredible kids who give me love every day even when I want to pull my hair out from the fighting, stepping on toys, messy rooms. But this is my challenge for life. The ups and downs will always be here but over time they will get easier. Ive learnt a lot about my self and the twins. I know what we are made of, the close bond we will always share. I know that they know the truth about their father and ill never have to worry as they know I always be there for them. They have a loving support system around them and hopefully the man who will always stay in our lives. (only time can tell on this one) .

But Im not putting pressure on myself, Im going to go with the flow and change the things I can and show up for every assignment this world gives me.




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